It's almost energy-draining just to wake up in the morning. I simply don't understand it. I go to bed at a decent time -- around 11:00 pm or 12:00 am, and my alarm goes off for 7:00 am. But for some reason, more often than not, I find myself wandering over to my cell phone, shutting the alarm off, and sleeping for another two to three hours. And when I finally do wake up, I spend another half hour just laying there.
It's pathetic.
And the worst part about it is, sure I've gotten an amazing amount of rest in me, but around midday, I'm freaking exhausted -- and then I start seriously drifting to sleep around 9:00 pm!
When I started my job at a childrens' clothing store back in '07, I was working about forty-hour weeks. I was coming home with like $1,000 paychecks every second week. I was making $8.00 back then. Now I make almost $10.00 an hour, and I'm barely bringing home $100.00 biweekly.
Needless to say I've got a lot of spare time on my hands -- enough to at least go and find a second job, right?
Yeah, I thought so too, early when the year started. When the new year hit, I was all like, "Yeah, I'm gonna make a life for myself. I'm gonna get a second job, I'm gonna apply for college, I'm gonna--wait how is it already June!?"
Out of everything I wanted to do, I was only able to succeed in applying for college -- and I only just did that last week. And friggin' no one is hiring -- or at least, that's what it feels like. No body wants to take a risk, the way things are going. Out of all the people I know who are looking for new jobs, only one or two have landed one. Sure, there are those who claim the recession's getting better, but obviously they don't work in retail.
My dad keeps telling me to relax, and not to worry so much -- that thirty percent of the population in Canada is still at home, or working crappy retail jobs to try and survive. But you know what, it does bother me. It makes me irritable and somewhat emotionally drained.
It's too much of a chore to get up and do anything. I don't even have the motivation to write anything fictional, or make my videos on Youtube anymore. It's sad, I know. I hate it. And you know, I'm not even going through a depression. I'm not even lazy. I'm just freaking lost. I know what I should be doing, but I just can't for the life of me muster up the energy to do it.
And it really frustrates me.
In a way, it's good that I feel this way. It's good that I know things need to change, and that I'm angry about my current situation. But what can I do about it? What can anyone do about it? When I'm actually working, I see people all the time, come into the store and drop off a resume and fill out an application (Haw haw an application? For a childrens' clothing store? For retail, none the less? It's more likely than you think!), and I almost want to say to them, "Don't bother. Despite what my manager says, it's not likely we'll hire you. We're struggling enough with the employees already here."
But at least they're trying. At least they're trying to get out of this dumb rut and try to stay optimistic.
At least they're trying.
The only thing I have to look forward to is the humble thought that the recession is temporary. That it will end and things will go back to normal. Eventually.
I need the motivation and drive that I had when I was a teenager. I need to get it back somehow. I have to stop sitting on the computer all day, just waiting for tomorrow to come, just to do it all over again, because I'm so bored out of my skull.
I gotta make my own motivation and drive. I need to. I can't give up.
I can't.
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